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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24216535">Dirty Little Secrets</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenNeehola/pseuds/QueenNeehola'>QueenNeehola</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Quest Series, Dragon Quest XI</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Sylvia | Sylvando (Dragon Quest XI), Crossdressing, DQXI Rarepair Jam, Established Relationship, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Jasper's past comes back to haunt him in the shape of a dirty magazine, M/M, Modeling, No Spoilers, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Sylvia | Sylvando (Dragon Quest XI), Post-Canon, Useless Virgins, or is it? in this house we stan gender-neutral slutty outfits</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:55:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,061</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24216535</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenNeehola/pseuds/QueenNeehola</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sylvando, while visiting Heliodor castle, stumbles upon a secret that Hendrik has kept for close to twenty years and, by extension, one that Jasper has kept for the same length of time.<br/>And they immediately come up with a plan to use it to help their friends' excruciatingly slow relationship get to the next level.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Graig | Hendrik &amp; Sylvia | Sylvando (Dragon Quest XI), Graig | Hendrik/Homer | Jasper (Dragon Quest XI), Homer | Jasper &amp; Sylvia | Sylvando (Dragon Quest XI)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dirty Little Secrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i'm so sorry this exists it's so STUPID. this is self-indulgence to an extreme i've never taken it to before and may god have mercy on my soul</p><p>also:<br/>- aro sylv is really just a throwaway line that people probably wouldn't have noticed but i wanted to specifically point it out because alloaro sylv is a hill i will die on<br/>- i'm sorry for the bad random spanish but let's be honest the game did it first<br/>- this is my first time writing nonbinary sylv and sylv in general so please be nice. i am just doing my best<br/>- photography definitely exists in erdrea okay otherwise what the fuck is even in the ogler's digest?  PAINTINGS??</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sylvando was...many things.</p><p>Truth be told, Hendrik often struggled to find the right words to describe his friend.  Strong, certainly.  Handsome, if that was your type.  Cheerful and often motherly, with a smile for the world and a plethora of kindly advice always at the ready.  Flamboyant, too, and never more at home than in the centre of attention.</p><p>But none of those words quite fit at the moment, with Sylvando seated comfortably at Hendrik’s desk, reading a magazine and wearing a grin that had an intimidating edge of deviousness to it.</p><p>Hendrik stood in the doorway, freshly returned from a meeting.  “Sylvando,” he said, with mustered calmness, “what are you doing?”</p><p>“Well,” Sylvando began, “I told you I was coming to visit, but you were just taking <em>so long</em> to come meet me, and I was getting <em>bored</em>.”  Their voice was laced thick with innocence that didn’t match their sly expression in the slightest.  They turned a page of the magazine, though they were not at all looking at its contents.  “I thought I’d just let myself in.”</p><p>Nosy.  That was the word.  Sylvando was downright nosy.</p><p>With a great deal of patience, Hendrik stepped into his room and closed the door.  He sighed.  “I do not believe it is proper of a knight to break and enter.”</p><p>“Knight?”  Sylvando put a hand to their chest in mock-surprise.  “I’m just a jester, honey.”</p><p>“You undertook the oath.”</p><p>“And I once bought a crystal ball and made money telling girls to break up with their no-good men, but that doesn’t make me a fortune teller.”</p><p>“Sylvando—”</p><p>“Jade let me in,” Sylvando cut in, waving away Hendrik’s protests.  “And besides, I found something to keep myself <em>occupied</em>.”</p><p>And now they flipped the magazine up onto the table from where it had been resting on their lap.  And now Hendrik saw exactly which magazine it was.  </p><p>It was the <em>Ogler’s Digest</em>.</p><p>Issue #403, to be precise.</p><p>And it indisputably belonged to Hendrik.</p><p>Hendrik <em>exploded</em> across the room and made to seize the offending periodical, but Sylvando danced to their feet and out of the way easily.</p><p>“Ah-ah-ah,” they sang, wagging a finger and tucking the magazine behind their back, “you are not getting this back until you spill <em>all</em> the beans.  Like why you even still have this now you have your very own <em>digest</em> to <em>ogle</em>, if you know what I mean—”</p><p>“Sylvando, give that—”</p><p>“—and why you’re hoarding such an old issue in the first place!  This is from almost twenty years ago!”</p><p>“This is not <em>funny</em>—”</p><p>“You got a little crush on one of the girls, hm?”</p><p>Hendrik was in the midst of muttering something about a breach of privacy and trying in vain to get around Sylvando when he stopped still.  His mouth hung uselessly open, and his already pink face flushed into a deep, telling crimson.</p><p>Sylvando blinked as the pieces slid into place.  “You have a crush on one of the girls.”</p><p>Hendrik bristled.  “It—It is not a <em>crush</em>, I simply…”</p><p>“Oh, <em>I get it</em>.  Don’t worry honey, no need to explain.”  Sylvando winked.  “She kept you company on those <em>lonely</em> nights, didn’t she?”</p><p>“I...I have no idea what you mean.”</p><p>“Uh-huh.”  Now that Hendrik had at least given up trying to wrestle his shame back from Sylvando, they had the freedom to go back to flicking through the magazine.  It was all pretty tame, at least compared to some of the more recent entries Sylvando had come across, but it was easy to see why an innocent soul such as Hendrik would have...appreciated them in his youth.  What wasn’t so simple to work out was just why he had held onto a single dirty magazine for so many years.  </p><p>“Now, which girl is it, I wonder…”  They skimmed past a few of the usual entries - bunny girls, bikinis, barely covered topless shots - without paying them much mind.  If one of these girls was special enough that Hendrik had kept this specific issue for <em>twenty years</em>, then she had to be something a little different.</p><p>And then they saw it.</p><p>They flicked right past it at first actually, but something drew them to it and had them scrabbling back a few pages.  And as soon as they saw her, they knew she was the one.</p><p>She was slender, seated on a plush carpet with her legs, clad in thigh-high socks, bent slightly and angled away from her.  She looked to be wearing little more than a sequined mesh top over a white strappy leotard (that was the best word Sylvando could find for it, but it was hardly as practical as that, given that it was almost <em>translucent</em>), and though her chest was far flatter than the usual model archetype, her nipples poked clearly and teasingly through the thin fabric.  Her thin frame was swamped in a large jacket draped across her shoulders that she demurely held onto with one arm, the other resting shyly over her crotch, and her head was tilted down so that her long, blonde hair fell across her face to hide but the barest hint of its shape.  She was backlit, too, cast into silhouette and haloed with a faint glow.</p><p>That was her.</p><p>“This is her, right?” Sylvando asked, holding the spread up.</p><p>Hendrik looked up from where he had gone to settle, defeated, on the edge of his bed.  Sylvando watched in real time as a new blush spread across his face.  His short nod was almost unnecessary given the obviousness of his reaction.</p><p>Sylvando hummed thoughtfully and turned the page back around to study it some more.  Though her face was obscured, Sylvando could tell she wasn’t one of the big names in modelling, but still there was something oddly familiar about her.  “She is pretty, I suppose.  Definitely your type.”  How typical of Hendrik to prefer skinny blondes, just like—</p><p>Sylvando’s eyes widened.  They looked closer.  Peeking above the top of the thigh-highs, they could see a hint of toned muscle rather than the soft, dainty thigh of a typical <em>Ogler’s Digest</em> model.  Then the cleverness of the photo itself hit them - the lighting choice, the oversized jacket, the hair hanging over her face...the <em>Digest</em> usually showed off as much of a woman as possible without being blatantly pornographic, so what would be the point of making this particular model into such a mystery?</p><p>Well, a mystery to all but Sylvando’s shrewd eyes and startlingly accurate powers of deduction.</p><p>“Hendrik?” they asked.  “Has this woman of your dreams ever been in any other issues?”</p><p>Hendrik stiffened, but then deflated again.  There was no point in hiding it now that he had been thoroughly sussed out.  “No.  I did...continue to purchase them for several months after but, to my knowledge, that is the only...work she has ever put out.  Why?”</p><p>“Hmm, no reason,” Sylvando said, and if they sounded unconvincing, then Hendrik chose to ignore it.  “Just wondering, since she isn’t even named.”  It was true - under the image there was no name at all, not even an innuendo-laden pseudonym.</p><p>“Still, I suppose that’s for the best,” Sylvando continued, closing the magazine again and putting it down on the table.  Hendrik looked up curiously, earning himself a sly smile.  “I mean, if you’d found out who she was and fallen in love with her for real, you wouldn’t have ended up with your <em>darling boyfriend</em>.”</p><p>Hendrik spluttered and flushed anew, but it was an earnest flustering this time rather than awkward embarrassment.  Oh, he was a sweet thing.</p><p>“Speaking of…”  Sylvando drew a chair across from the desk to plant themselves atop it opposite Hendrik.  “How’s life in loverboy land?  Perfect in paradise?”</p><p>Hendrik nodded silently, looking rather like he was going to burst into flame.</p><p>Sylvando responded with a sound of utter delight.  “Wonderful, darling!  Tell me <em>everything</em>.  All the sneaky little details too.  Does he leave his underwear on the floor?  Is he a duvet hog?  Does he <em>snore</em>?”  They leaned forward expectantly, elbows on knees and chin propped on their hands, regarding Hendrik with a wide-eyed thirst for gossip.</p><p>Hendrik looked away.  “I...do not know.”</p><p>Sylvando blinked.  “You don’t <em>know</em>?”</p><p>Hendrik nodded, and began picking at a loose thread on his duvet.  He cleared his throat.  “We...do not share quarters.”</p><p>Sylvando was not often speechless.  Usually they had a list of witty (or comforting, depending on the situation) replies lined up and poised to leap off their tongue at any given moment.  Now, however, their words shrivelled up and slid back down their throat.</p><p>But it had been obvious.  They just hadn’t looked.  There were no added personal touches to Hendrik’s room; no second closet, no additional clutter on the nightstand, not even another toothbrush joining Hendrik’s in the en-suite.</p><p>Yggdrasil above, these two were <em>hopeless</em>.</p><p>“I was...thinking of broaching the subject soon, actually,” Hendrik went on, twisting the thread around his finger now and tugging more insistently, “hence why I was trying to...gather up some of my less appropriate belongings to dispose of.”  He very pointedly did not look across at the <em>Ogler’s Digest</em>.  Ah, that explained that then.  “I am just not sure how Jasper will react to such a proposal.  He is very…”</p><p>Hendrik trailed off, but Sylvando nodded their sympathetic understanding anyway.  Jasper <em>was</em> very.</p><p>They assured Hendrik, “I’m sure he’ll be pleased as punch, getting to <em>snuggle</em> up to a big handsome lump like you every night.”</p><p>The thread snapped off, and if Hendrik had looked warm enough before, then now he appeared to be on the verge of spontaneous human combustion.</p><p>“We...have not reached that step either,” Hendrik said.  When Sylvando just blinked their perfect lashes at him, he gestured helplessly, like he might conjure the words out of the air.  “The...the <em>snuggling</em>.”</p><p>Understanding hit Sylvando like the business end of a hammerhood’s mallet.  “Oh,” they said.  They hadn’t really meant <em>snuggling</em>.  Which meant Hendrik hadn’t really meant <em>snuggling</em> either.  “<em>Oh</em>.”  They reached over and put a hand on Hendrik’s knee.  “Oh, well that’s nothing to worry about, honey.  It’s fine to wait, if you’re not—”</p><p>“I have waited,” Hendrik said, the words tumbling out of him like grit and gravel, painfully.  “I have waited, and I would like to—to—  I am ready.  I am sure.  But Jasper has made no such insinuation, and I can think of nothing worse than to betray his trust by—<em>forcing</em> myself on him!”</p><p>Sylvando suppressed the overwhelming urge to roll their eyes.  Trust Hendrik to be so overdramatic about something as simple as consent.</p><p>“You could just ask,” they said.</p><p>Hendrik reared back, a look of undisguised affront crossing his features.  “I-I cannot.  I would not know <em>how</em> to, a-and if he were to say no—  I would rather just wait until he feels comfortable enough to suggest it.”</p><p>Then he would be waiting a very long time, Sylvando knew.  Jasper had pride and stubbornness in equally large amounts, and neither of them would let him admit how much he wanted to get laid.  A shame, since he would absolutely have to spell it out for Hendrik to do anything about it.</p><p>If only Sylvando could bring themself to tell Hendrik that his mystery <em>Ogler’s Digest</em> model might not be as much of a mystery as he thought.  That would probably get things moving—</p><p>A light flickered to life above their head.</p><p>They grinned.</p><p>The best ideas really did come as jokes, as they say.</p><p>Sylvando swept to their feet in a flurry of fancy fabric, leaving Hendrik gaping bemusedly up at them.  They morphed their excitable smile into something a bit smaller, just warm enough to hide the hint of wickedness buried in it.  “Well, I’m sure he’ll be ready sooner than you think.”</p><p>Spinning on their heels, they added, “Now, I think I’ll pop in and visit him before I head off.”</p><p>That had Hendrik springing to his feet and grabbing Sylvando by the sleeve.  “Please, do not mention any of this to Jasper.  I would hate to embarrass him.”</p><p>Sylvando put their hand over Hendrik’s and said softly, “I wouldn’t dream of it.  ‘A knights’ word is his bond,’ you know?”</p><p>That seemed to appease Hendrik, for he met their smile with a slight one of his own and let them go.  They gave a mock bow, which became a flourish punctuated with a little wave as they made their exit.</p><p>Hendrik half-waved back and turned away, absent-mindedly smoothing over the creases he had made on his duvet.</p><p>And because he turned away, he failed to notice the <em>Ogler’s Digest</em> being snatched up and taken.</p><hr/><p>Sylvando skipped down the corridor towards Jasper’s room, humming pleasantly to themself.  Their stolen spoils were tucked safely out of sight inside their shirt.</p><p>A knight’s word <em>was</em> his bond, as they had said, but Sylvando was neither a <em>knight</em> nor a <em>he</em>, so they were pretty sure that part of the oath didn’t apply.</p><p>The oath probably didn’t apply to dirty magazines anyway, so it was fine.  Probably.</p><p>Either way, as they raised their hand and knocked at Jasper’s room door, it was too late to go back now.</p><p>Jasper opened the door.  Almost immediately, he closed it again.</p><p>“Wait!”  Sylvando stuck their foot into rapidly diminishing space and managed not to wince too visibly when Jasper jammed the door against their limb without mercy.</p><p>“I’m busy,” he said.</p><p>“You are not,” Sylvando replied.  They wedged their foot in more firmly and leaned forward.  “I can smell tea.”</p><p>“I can drink tea while being busy.”</p><p>“And you can’t even share some with your ol’ pal, Sylvando?  I came all this way to visit you!”</p><p>Jasper scowled and shoved the door harder.  “You came to visit <em>Hendrik</em>.  More fool him for letting you.  And do not presume I think of you as a friend.”</p><p>Sylvando smirked.  “Oh, really?”  Like the climax of a magic trick they produced the hidden <em>Ogler’s Digest</em>, folded open to the page plastered with Hendrik’s favourite model, and thrust it through the gap in the door directly in front of Jasper’s face.  Phase one of their plan: begin!  “Not even when I’ve seen <em>this much</em> of you?”</p><p>If there had been any doubt left in Sylvando’s mind, it fled as soon as Jasper started spluttering.  He turned red endearingly quickly and made to snatch the magazine, but Sylvando had all the reflexes of someone who literally juggled knives for fun, and so he was left swiping at empty air.</p><p>Fuming and flustered, he objected, “I-I have no idea—”</p><p>“Ah-ah,” Sylvando chided, pressing harder against the door once more.  Then, raising their voice to their favourite dramatic lilt, they continued, “Now, were you ever going to tell me you used to be in the slutty modelling business, or was I just supposed to find out from one of Henny-Wenny’s old dirty magazines—”</p><p>The door abruptly opened and Sylvando stumbled into the room.</p><p>And then the door closed again and they found themselves pressed up against it by a very embarrassed, very angry knight.  Jasper’s hands clutched white-knuckled at Sylvando’s collar.</p><p>“Where,” he growled, “did you get that?”</p><p>Sylvando blinked.  Jasper was <em>very</em> angry.  But they could probably bust out of the window easily enough if he seriously tried to kill them.  It was the ground floor, after all.  So they just smiled and quietly tucked the magazine into the back of their waistband.  “I told you!  From Hendrik!”</p><p>That seemed to give Jasper some pause.  He turned redder.  His eyes narrowed to slits.  But, crucially, his grip slackened a little.</p><p>“You were his favourite, by the way,” Sylvando went on.  “That says a lot about him— oh, but don’t worry, darling, he doesn’t know it’s you.  I swear, if he had a brain he’d be dangerous—”</p><p>Jasper yanked at their collar again.  The effect was lessened by the fact that Sylvando had a height advantage, and was rather built of solid muscle.</p><p>“Do <em>not</em> lie to me, jester.  Where did you <em>get</em> that, and how did you know it—it was <em>me</em>?”</p><p>Sylvando sighed theatrically.  “I knew because I have an eye for these things, darling.  I could recognise those legs anywhere.”  (Jasper was fast approaching a concerning shade of purple.)  “And for the <em>third time</em>, I got it from Hendrik.”</p><p>“You expect me to believe that Hendrik would just hand something like this over and let you taunt me with it?”</p><p>“No,” Sylvando agreed, silently relishing in the fact that Jasper wasn’t disputing that Hendrik would <em>own</em> a porny magazine, “but I <em>do</em> expect you to believe that he accidentally left it out while he was trying to clear up so you wouldn’t see his dirty little secrets, <em>and</em> that I swiped it without him noticing.”</p><p>Finally, Jasper relented.  His hands dropped from Sylvando’s now unfortunately crumpled shirt and to his sides, and he took a step back.  His face appeared to be battling between glowing brighter and draining of all colour, and the result was a rather amusing combination of a pallid expression highlighted with beacon-bright cheeks.</p><p>“I-I was—  That was—  <em>Hendrik</em>—  What?” Jasper, blessed with boundless smarts, babbled.</p><p>Sylvando nodded sagely.  “Yes, honey.  Now come and sit, have some more tea, and let’s talk.”</p><hr/><p>Sylvando felt sorry for Jasper.  He had deflated so fast, letting himself be manhandled over to the table and propped up on the sofa while Sylvando busied themself pouring tea and letting the poor shell-shocked knight adjust.</p><p>When they once more produced the <em>Ogler’s Digest</em> and placed it on the table, Jasper visibly flinched.</p><p>It seemed to snap him out of his daze though, and he quickly adopted a more familiar expression of casual disgust.  He sipped at the contents of his teacup, then placed it back down and added four cubes of sugar.  He stared intently at the spiralling liquid as he stirred it, as if an image of himself dressed in what barely constituted clothing wasn’t spread across the table a few inches away.</p><p>“So, darling,” Sylvando said, taking the seat across from Jasper, “spill.”</p><p>Jasper <em>did</em> very nearly spill—his tea.  His hands trembled, but he managed to take another sip of the now suitably sweetened tea and return the cup to the saucer without incident.  He sighed, and fixed Sylvando with an admirable attempt at an even look.  “It was one time.”</p><p>Sylvando had to try very hard not to leap to their feet and clap their hands in triumph.  They settled for excitedly bouncing their legs under the table instead.  “I <em>knew</em> it!  Was it for the money?  No, that can’t be right...a dare?”</p><p>“I was scouted,” Jasper said.</p><p>“<em>Scouted</em>?”</p><p>Jasper nodded, his fake evenness beginning to crack with the first downturn of his lips into his signature scowl.  “I...was young.  And an idiot.  Promises of adoration from the masses appealed to my hunger for recognition.  I just...didn’t know exactly <em>which</em> masses I would be appealing to.  Needless to say it was not at all what I expected, and the next thing I knew I was being shoved into...<em>that</em>,” he gestured distastefully at the magazine, “and posed like a doll.”</p><p>Sylvando’s eyes were wide as dinner plates.  “But surely you realised what was going on?  Why did you go through with it?”</p><p>Jasper flushed, but since the colour had never fully left his cheeks it just had the effect of making him glow a little brighter.  He cleared his throat and took a suspiciously long sip of tea.</p><p>Sylvando clicked.  “You <em>liked</em> it.”</p><p>Jasper’s blush this time was an affronted, blatant crimson.  “I did <em>not</em>—”</p><p>“Honey,” Sylvando cut in, waving a hand over Jasper’s protests to silence them, “do you really think <em>I’m</em> going to judge you for dressing up pretty?”</p><p>Jasper regarded them across the table.  “Fair,” he agreed.  He raised his cup to his lips again but let it dangle there, and spoke softly behind it.  “Do <em>not</em> breathe a word of this to Hendrik, I swear to—”</p><p>“Jasper, if he knew that was you he would jump your bones in a <em>second</em>!  It’s the perfect solution—oops.”</p><p>The cup lowered too fast for the liquid inside, and it splashed over the side into a small pool of gleaming amber on the saucer.  Jasper’s eyes were narrow and sharp as stiletto blades that Sylvando could feel held at their throat.  “A solution to <em>what</em>, exactly?”</p><hr/><p>“I can’t believe this.  I <em>cannot</em> believe this.  I cannot believe <em>you</em>!”</p><p>Sylvando watched, their hands raised placatingly, as Jasper paced fiercely back and forth.  His hair was mussed where he had dragged his hands through it no less than six times; his pressed white shirt now bore a drying splotch of tea where it had splashed back onto him when he had reared back his hand and <em>flung</em> the cup, full force, at Sylvando.</p><p>It had missed them.  Just.  It hadn’t missed the wall, and the carpet next to the door was now decorated with a patch of sweet tea and a hazardous sprinkling of expensive porcelain.</p><p>“Jasper, darling, please calm down—”</p><p>Jasper whirled, vicious and righteous with fury.  He pointed a finger with such violent intensity that Sylvando was tempted to hide the other cup before it could be co-opted into a weapon as well.  “Don’t ‘darling’ me, and do not <em>tell</em> me to <em>calm down</em> when you’ve been prying into my private affairs, you meddlesome, <em>obnoxious</em> excuse for a—”</p><p>Sylvando attempted to return fire before they were blasted to pieces altogether: “In my defence, <em>Hendrik</em> told <em>me</em>!  I only asked how things were going!  I’m innocent!”</p><p>They made a direct hit, somehow, and Jasper froze mid-aggressive gesticulation.  His jaw went slack, and Sylvando watched the despairing realisation flicker across his features.</p><p>He dropped his arms heavily to his sides, and as he turned and made his way back to the couch all the ferocity had gone out of him; he shuffled rather than stomped, like the weight of his awful epiphany was almost too much.  Just as heavy was the way he dropped onto the plush fabric, his head falling into his hands immediately.</p><p>He groaned, resigned and despondent, “I’m going to kill him.”</p><p>After a moment, Sylvando settled next to him and leaned in close, their voice tentative but hopeful.  “Do you still have the outfit?”</p><p>“I’m going to kill you, too,” Jasper said.</p><hr/><p>Sylvando rapped their knuckles against the bathroom door.  “Come on darling, we’re losing daylight.”</p><p>“Good,” came the terse reply.</p><p>“I already promised I wouldn’t laugh,” they tried again, gentle and coaxing.</p><p>Silence followed this time, and they were about to knock again, geared up with more good-natured encouragement, when the handle turned and the door cracked open.</p><p>Jasper peered out through the gap.  Sylvando couldn’t see much, but they caught a glimpse of thin, milky fabric, and an expanse of just as milky skin.</p><p>Seeing their eyes dip from his face, Jasper tutted and angled his body away, hiding behind the door.  “This is ridiculous.”</p><p>“The only thing that’s ridiculous is how shy you’re being,” Sylvando replied matter-of-factly.  “Now get out here and let me gush about how wonderful you look.”</p><p>Jasper grumbled, the small area of his face that was visible twisting into a grimace.  Sylvando fully expected that their luck was about to run out and the door was about to meet their face with just as much enthusiasm as the other door had met their foot, but to their surprise it slowly swung inward instead as Jasper revealed himself.  He wasn’t even threateningly wielding a shampoo bottle.</p><p>Sylvando’s eyes widened.  “I knew it!”</p><p>“Knew what?”  Jasper shifted in the doorway, fidgeting.  His eyes were fixed on a point off to the side, far from Sylvando’s, and he kept his knees pressed together.  One of his hands, which had rested on the door, dropped to join the other as he clasped them together over the taut fabric covering his crotch.  (There wasn’t a whole lot of it.)</p><p>Sylvando just smiled, and in a show of undeniably impressive swiftness they grabbed Jasper by the wrist and began dragging him into the centre of the room.</p><p>Jasper yelped and tugged back, digging his stockinged heels into the carpet, but his assailant’s grip was vice-tight and unrelenting.</p><p>“Stop hiding,” Sylvando insisted even as Jasper clawed at their fingers.  “Let me look at you properly.”</p><p>“B-But the windows—”</p><p>Sylvando clicked their tongue and kept pulling.  “I already closed the curtains, don’t worry.  No one will see you.”</p><p>And they had, Jasper realised belatedly as his awareness widened from his own mortifying state to instead take in the state of his room.  The curtains were drawn, the doors were firmly bolted, and Sylvando had even swept the shattered cup pieces into a neat little pile.</p><p>Perhaps they weren’t so bad after all.</p><p>Then they stopped, dropped Jasper’s arm and and turned all in the same movement, leaving them chest to thinly-covered chest with Jasper.  Well, almost - Jasper had to look up a slight but infuriating distance to Sylvando’s face.  They had no right to that kind of height advantage, foolish jester that they were.  He reprimanded himself for thinking anything nice about them, no matter how short-lived it was.</p><p>It was easier a moment later when Sylvando stepped back, but then it was far worse again when they started giving Jasper a very clear, very appreciative once-over.  Jasper brought his hands in front of himself again and looked at his feet as Sylvando walked around him, observing him from all angles.  His cheeks burned hot with shame at being near naked, save for some very delicate, very tight fabric, and having someone he barely considered an acquaintance examine his figure so intently, when even <em>Hendrik</em> hadn’t—</p><p>Well.  That was the <em>problem</em> Sylvando was trying to solve, wasn’t it.</p><p>After a long, silent minute, Sylvando hummed in private assent.  Again, they said, “I knew it.”</p><p>Again, Jasper asked indignantly, “Knew <em>what</em>?”</p><p>Sylvando finished their circling and came to a halt in front of him again, drawing his eye and smiling in that awful enigmatic way they had, like they knew all of your darkest secrets.  In this case, they did.  “That you’d look just as good as you do in the photo.  Are you sure this is the same outfit?”</p><p>Jasper bristled.  “Do you think I went out and bought a new one?”</p><p>The demure hand that Sylvando raised to their mouth did nothing to hide their obvious amusement.  “No, I just meant that I wish I looked like I hadn’t aged in twenty years, honey.  You simply must tell me your secrets.”</p><p>“<em>Eighteen</em> years,” Jasper corrected through gritted teeth.  “I’ll not have it rumoured that I was part of...<em>that</em> at anything less than an appropriate age.”  He gestured at the offending article, lying open on the table at the even more offending spread.</p><p>Sylvando hummed again and reached to unclasp Jasper’s hair.  He flinched, but let them - he had, after all, agreed to this, in a manner of speaking.  And clearly he was going senile extremely early to have ever agreed to it at all.  He hadn’t even been <em>drinking</em>, unless Sylvando had slipped something into his tea when he wasn’t looking—but even then, most of it had ended up on the carpet.  This was, unfortunately, a very sober mistake.</p><p>“Ah, si,” Sylvando said, bringing him back to the conversation at hand, “‘barely legal’ was the dirty old men’s favourite back in the day, wasn’t it?”</p><p>Jasper fixed them with an incredulous look, but they just smiled that mysterious smile again and fluffed Jasper’s hair a little before bringing it around to settle over one of his shoulders.</p><p>“What?  You think little ol’ me was too innocent to steal a look at my papi’s secret collection sometimes?”</p><p>“I think the exact opposite, actually,” Jasper said drily.  “I just didn’t expect you to admit it.”</p><p>“Seems like we’re all sharing secrets today, hm?” Sylvando quipped back, and Jasper clammed up, turning pink.  That got a chuckle from his stylist, and they stepped back to admire their handiwork from further away, framing Jasper between their fingers.  “They should do a reunion issue.  ‘Your favourite girls from years past - where are they now!?  A <em>surprising </em>revisit to the blonde one-spread-wonder from issue four-oh-three!’”  Their voice lilted into easy, practised theatrics, punctuated with a wink and a dramatic sweep of their arm, though Jasper’s expression remained flat.  “No?”</p><p>“No,” Jasper affirmed.</p><hr/><p>They went on like that for a while: Sylvando bantering, fussing at Jasper’s hair, digging out fancier earrings for him to wear, pouting when he refused make-up and, on one mortifying occasion, slipping their fingers inside the tops of his thigh-high stockings to - in their words - “adjust them.”  Jasper had almost hit the ceiling.</p><p>Eventually they seemed satisfied and moved back again to regard their masterpiece.  Jasper stood awkwardly.  He still wasn’t sure what to do with his hands.</p><p>Sylvando smiled.  He was adorable, really.  The leotard clung to his skin - you could <em>still</em> see his nipples through it, just like in the photo, but Sylvando wasn’t about to point that out - yet as fair as he was it didn’t wash him out, thanks to the silvery sheen of the sequined mesh layered over it from his throat to his waist.  If anything, it gave him a dreamlike, almost otherworldly glow.  </p><p>The socks made his legs look longer, drawing the eye to them - or rather, to the expanse of uncovered thigh leading up to his groin.  Tearing their eyes away before Jasper was likely to gouge them out, Sylvando looked instead to where they had untied his hair and brushed it to drape sensually across one shoulder.  From his ears hung golden drop earrings decorated with a stack of small pearls.</p><p>“You’re beautiful,” they gushed, smiling as Jasper went pink and made a futile attempt to cover himself.  They sighed, wistful, and cupped their cheek with a hand.  “If this is what Hendrik’s type looks like then I never stood a chance, did I?  I wonder if I went blonde…”</p><p>They paused, expectant, as Jasper’s endearing expression of bashfulness dropped off the face of Erdrea and a look of pure, seething malice replaced it.</p><p>Turning their back so he couldn’t see the mirth pulling at their lips, they continued, “I don’t do any of that mushy stuff but I wouldn’t have said no to a roll around with him, you know?  Though by the sounds of things, I’d still be a vir—”</p><p>“If you finish that sentence,” Jasper enunciated, slowly and darkly, “you will get worse than a teacup in the face.”</p><p>That broke Sylvando, and they giggled madly as they spun back around.  Jasper did not look amused.  In fact, Jasper looked like he was thinking seriously about carrying out his threat.</p><p>“I’m <em>kidding</em>, darling,” they assured him, wiping a merry tear from their eye.  They approached Jasper slowly, as one might approach a feral cat, and smiled their thanks when he let them scoop his hair between their fingers again without causing them grievous bodily harm.  </p><p>They separated the soft strands into three parts and set about fixing it into a loose braid as they went on, their voice turning gentle and genuine.  “And even if I wasn’t, Hendrik would never look at me, or anyone else.  That idiota has only ever had eyes for you, even way back when we were training together.  He used to get so excited whenever a letter came from you, and he’d read them so much the ink would start to rub off.  My papi used to yell at him for having smudgy fingers.”  They chuckled softly, the memories coming back to them as they spoke.</p><p>When they glanced over at Jasper’s face his anger was gone again, replaced with what they could only describe as a mystified expression.  He seemed to be looking at nothing and everything, like he was imagining Sylvando’s words come to life.</p><p>“He never told me that,” he said quietly.</p><p>Sylvando scoffed.  “He wouldn’t.  He mooned over you so much my papi never <em>stopped</em> yelling at him.  ‘<em>¡Por Dios, Hendrik!  When will you start thinking with your head instead of your</em>—’  Well, you know.”</p><p>Jasper did know, if the colour he turned was any indication.</p><p>Sylvando finished the braid and tugged at some of the twists until they were satisfied, and then they turned away and went back to the table, examining the <em>Ogler’s Digest</em> for anything they might have missed in their recreation.  That, and they were probably going to need a safe distance for their next words.</p><p>“But right now, we really <em>want</em> him to be thinking with his—”</p><p>“<em>Stop</em>,” Jasper hissed.</p><p>Sylvando grinned.</p><hr/><p>There had been something missing, as it turned out.</p><p>“This jacket,” Sylvando said, pointing at the page.  Jasper, now that he had calmed down, padded over.  In the photo, he had a striking blue jacket draped over his shoulders.  It was too large for his frame, which was obviously supposed to add to the ‘beautiful defenceless waif’ vibe the whole look was going for.  “Do you still have it?”</p><p>“No,” Jasper said.  He seemed to have finally made peace with parading around scantily clad in front of Sylvando, a fact that Sylvando themself took great delight in.  “That belonged to the photographer.  He said my outfit was ‘missing something,’ if memory serves, and so he flung his jacket at me and told me to wear it like that.  It was awful.  It <em>stank</em>.”  He wrinkled his nose at the memory.</p><p>Sylvando made a thoughtful noise, cupping their chin and regarding photo-Jasper versus current-Jasper.  It <em>did</em> make his look more impactful, to have so much of him hidden beneath a much larger piece of clothing.  It left more to the imagination.  “Well do you have anything that would work?”</p><p>“Do we really <em>need</em>—”</p><p>“Si, absolutely.”</p><p>Jasper scowled, but his glance over at his closet was more than telling.  “Everything I have is <em>my</em> size.”</p><p>“Then should I go and borrow one of Hendrik’s?” Sylvando asked.  They waggled their eyebrows conspiratorially.</p><p>Jasper lowered his into a firm crease of denial.  “Try, and I swear you will not leave this room alive.”</p><p>Sylvando rolled their eyes, already turning - but, to Jasper’s relief, towards the closet, rather than to the door.  They opened it with a flourishing lack of hesitation and began rifling through the hangers immediately.</p><p>Jasper sat down and began to wish he hadn’t thrown his teacup against the wall.</p><hr/><p>Sylvando produced several jackets and was shot down several times (“No,” “I don’t like the sleeves on that,” “That one was a gift from the princess and I will <em>not</em> sully it!”) before they gasped and plunged their hand towards the back of the closet, excitedly wrestling their latest target from its hanger.</p><p>“This one is <em>perfecta</em>!” they squealed, finally dragging it free and whirling around with it so Jasper could see just how <em>perfecta</em> it was.</p><p>It was...his old formal jacket.  White, with gold trim and deep blue accents, elaborate button detailing and a detachable cape piece.  He hadn’t worn it in years, had in all honesty almost forgotten he even owned it.  If memory served, Hendrik had a matching one, but in black…</p><p>“Come here,” Sylvando was saying, and while Jasper gaped vacantly they grabbed him by the wrist and hauled him to his feet again.  Before he could protest at being manhandled once more he found himself swathed in the heavy fabric of the coat, and he automatically brought a hand up to hold onto it, (unwittingly) just as he had done in the <em>Ogler’s Digest</em> photo.</p><p>Sylvando continued their manhandling, shoving him half-stumbling in front of his full-length mirror.</p><p>“See?” they urged, voice dripping with - in Jasper’s opinion - unearned pride.</p><p>Jasper did see.  Jasper saw exactly.</p><p>The coat was tailored to fit, but with its buttons and belts left undone it hung loose on his frame, making him look smaller underneath it.  With his hand gripping one of the lapels to keep it in place, he was surprisingly covered, little more than a flash of sequins visible beneath the added layer.  It was a long jacket too, easily reaching his knees, which meant if he fastened it it would hide the fact that he was barely dressed underneath.</p><p>A flush crept up his neck at that thought, and he quickly dismissed it.</p><p>He had to admit, to his chagrin, that he did look rather good.</p><p>A wooden <em>ka-chunk</em> sounded from behind him and he turned quickly.</p><p>The <em>Ogler’s Digest</em> was still open on the table.</p><p>The teacup was still in pieces on the floor.</p><p>The curtains were still drawn.</p><p>But the room was now, horrifyingly, empty.</p><p>Sylvando was gone.</p><p>Panic swelled in Jasper’s chest.  Where had they gone, and why, and <em>why</em> <em>without saying anything</em>?  This had to be some idiotic part of their plan, some stupid prank, and Jasper decided he had had enough of being party to their clownery.</p><p>He would strip the awful, shameful clothing off and hide it away again (or perhaps burn it), dress himself <em>properly</em>, tidy up the mess the jester had left in their wake, and go about forgetting this whole affair had ever happened.</p><p>He made to shrug the jacket off, and then the door opened.</p><p>Instinctively he pulled the fabric tighter around him again, hiding himself.  But that was stupid - it would just be Sylvando again, flouncing back in with some paltry excuse for why they had very nearly sent Jasper into cardiac arrest.  And so he frowned and stalked forward, mouth opening around a torrent of threats—</p><p>—which quickly died on his tongue, because the person who stepped into his room was not Sylvando at all.</p><p>It was even worse.</p><p>Hendrik’s back was thankfully turned as he closed the door behind him.  But it wouldn’t remain that way for long, and Jasper found himself doing some impressively quick calculations to see if he could either make it to the bathroom to lock himself in, or knock Hendrik out before he turned around.</p><p>The answer to both was, sadly, no.</p><p>“Sylvando said you wanted to see me,” Hendrik said, beginning to turn.  Jasper was going to kill that fucking clown.  “What did you need?  Why are all the curtains…”</p><p>And then he finished turning, and his eyes fell upon Jasper, standing in the middle of his dim room and clutching his old coat around him like a lifeline.</p><p>“...closed,” Hendrik finished lamely.</p><p>Jasper was acutely aware he was being stared at.  He was even more acutely aware of Hendrik taking a step towards him.</p><p>“Jasper,” Hendrik said, “what is—”</p><p>And then he stopped speaking, because as Jasper tried to back away, his grip slipped on the heavy jacket, and it fell to the ground with an unceremonious <em>whump</em>.</p><p>And then Jasper was left standing in a paper-thin leotard, some sequins, thigh high socks, and nothing else.</p><p>He watched Hendrik’s eyes widen to alarming proportions in a matter of seconds; watched his pupils grow to eclipse them into dark spheres moments later; and then, he watched those eyes drop to his feet and begin a slow, intense climb all the way up his body.</p><p>“Jasper.”  Hendrik’s voice was gravelly this time, like the word had become lodged in his throat at some point.  Jasper was pretty sure he knew exactly when that point was.  “What is...this.”</p><p>Jasper could have tried to stammer a reply.  He could have attempted a thousand excuses.  He could have blamed Sylvando which, honestly, they would have deserved.</p><p>But instead he decided to grab the chance the insufferable clown had given him with both hands.</p><p>“I-I heard you liked my work,” he began, wrestling with the urge to cover himself.  Instead, he spread his feet a little wider apart on the carpet, which had the fortunate effect of also spreading his legs to create an eye-catching little gap between his thighs.</p><p>Hendrik, when he could look away from said gap and what lay directly above it, met Jasper’s eyes with clear confusion.  In response Jasper tilted his head towards the <em>Ogler’s Digest</em>, taking a moment to swallow his heart back down from his throat when Hendrik looked away from him to follow the gesture.</p><p>When Hendrik saw the magazine - <em>his</em> magazine - Jasper watched the fright course through him in how his shoulders raised and his hands clenched into awkward, instinctive fists.  He opened his mouth, as if to shout his protest, but then the realisation hit.</p><p>The realisation hit very hard.</p><p>Hendrik froze.  His mouth worked around words that he seemed unable to get out, so much so that a small tic began to pulse in his jaw.  His entire body seemed to heave with the force of keeping calm breath.  He stared so hard at the old photo of Jasper that the current, real Jasper began to feel even more self-conscious.</p><p>“H-Hendrik?” he tried.</p><p>Hendrik’s head snapped up.</p><p>“You,” he rasped, and then stopped and cleared his throat.  Clarity had begun to return to his expression as well, like he had come to some inner conclusion.  He looked once more at the magazine, and then back to Jasper.  “<em>You</em>...  I had...no idea—”</p><p>“It was just once,” Jasper said, suddenly and ridiculously defensive.  “A-And this...this was Sylvando’s idea.  It’s...stupid, I’ll change—”</p><p>Hendrik was across the room and in front of him before he even saw him move.</p><p>Jasper looked up at him, suddenly feeling every inch of their height difference.</p><p>“No,” Hendrik said.  “Do not change.”</p><p>There was something different in him now.  Something Jasper had never seen, gazing out from the dark pits his eyes had become, that made Jasper’s pulse jump in his neck.  Something like looking into the jaws of a manticore, except the manticore was his boyfriend, and instead of imminent death it was imminent...something else that might leave him similarly indisposed, albeit temporarily.</p><p>“Oh,” Jasper said, “alright.”</p><p>“I shall have to thank Sylvando.”  Hendrik’s voice dropped low along with his head, as he moved a hand to tip Jasper’s face gently up.  His other hand settled at Jasper’s hip, fingers beginning to tease at the line where fabric met bare skin.  “This was a most wonderful idea.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>STUPID FUCKING JOKE EPILOGUE:</b> Straining their ears outside Jasper’s door, Sylvando jumped in gleeful surprise when they heard a muffled thump.  (They didn’t know for sure that it was Jasper’s back hitting the wall as Hendrik pinned him there, but they could guess well enough.)<br/>They weren’t into voyeurism though, especially not when it was two of their friends going at it, so they respectfully turned away and started off down the corridor.<br/>The Great Sylvando saves the day again.  Honestly, what would all the hopeless virgins in their life do without them?</p><p>anyway hello thanks for reading i hope you enjoyed and please vote in the comments whether or not i should do a part 2 where they actually fuck</p><p>and <i>yes</i> i did look up playboy model outfits for this fic, and <i>no</i> you will never get to know which precise one i based jasper's outfit off of.</p><p>come <strike>drag me for bringing this fic into existence</strike> find me on twitter: @QueenNeehola!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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